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by Kfma



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Fix It, M/M, spoilers for last episode, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 05:30:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18653878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kfma/pseuds/Kfma
Summary: Michael's thoughts while playing at the Pony.





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**Author's Note:**

> I was so angry and heartbroken (might sound dramatic, but still true) after the season finale, I had to write myself out of it. I need fan fiction like I've never needed it before guys, and if the show continues with the ridiculousness of Maria/Michael over Alex/Michael, I might scream. So I've started publishing my own ff in addition to reading everything Alex/Michael-based I come across.
> 
> I might edit or continue writing for this piece, maybe add Alex' thought process at the trailer for ex. Comments and/or feedback would be lovely.

For the first time in ten years he’s playing guitar. He’s running on adrenalin, music and denial at the moment. This is not an excuse, but an explanation, he’ll later tell Alex.

Michael has traveled from somewhere in the galaxy, yet he has never left this small town. That’s weird, right? I mean, to him it makes sense because of everything that happened. But in the grander scheme of things it’s actually kind of unbelievable. 

When Alex tells him about wishing he hadn’t left, but also that he wanted to leave, Michael gets it. In that instance he sees that he has multiple reasons to stay here in Roswell and he’s been kidding himself if he really thought it’s all been about finding the missing pieces of a spaceship or covering up a crime. At the reunion Alex had commented that he thought Michael would be long gone by the time he got back, but how could he ever not be right here when Alex got back. 

So he’s been here this whole time waiting for his family, like he says, but maybe his family is Alex. The desert and the stars point to his past and history, but more then that the desert is stolen nights of stargazing and guitar strumming with a lonely, beautiful, brave, smart, and kind boy. Alex is tangible in a way Michael’s earlier past isn’t, even when they both feel or have felt unattainable and impossible. 

Sometimes, Michael’s whole life feels like a crash landing, nothing ever easy, or safe. Is it too much to ask? That something be a little easier or safer, for once? Like Max and Isobel, Michael is tired, and this is why he goes to the Pony after everything. Yet, after getting there, it’s music he seeks out first. That original method for changing his entropy, but also one of the most direct links straight back to the beginning of him and Alex. And while he’s playing, with his perfectly functioning hands, the memories come flooding back. 

He remembers how there wasn’t any pain in the beginning, not like later. He remembers how confused he was at Alex’s offer, seemingly out of the blue, of using the shed. The guitar; those moments; redemption. He remembers the fear of Jesse Manes, the pain of the hammer. He also remembers that nothing has ever hurt him like Alex leaving to go to war. He suddenly wonders, whether healing the hand has left it impossible for him to ever really heal. Whether it really was wise trying to eradicate the past like that, any of it. Alex showing up at the airstream means he is been given a chance now, to have and to hold, is he going to waste it because, what, it’ll be hard?

While he is thinking and remembering and feeling his hands stop playing, and the music dies. He looks at Maria, who’s looking at his hand like she’s seeing a ghost, and he answers his own question: Yes, it is too much to ask, that it should be easier and safer for him. Easy and safe is not the life he has, and to be honest he probably wouldn’t want it to be. You are what you pretend to be, but if you’re not good at pretending all you’ll ever be is a pretender. 

Finally, it’s not really about wanting easy and safe. It’s about being afraid. Afraid that it won’t work out between him and Alex; afraid of being left behind, again and again and again. Michael has taken that every goddamned day of his life it seems like to him, and he is just done. Afraid of what Alex is going to say, afraid that he, Michael, will fuck it up. But he has said that he never looks away, that he loves Alex. He has said that if someone is going to destroy him, it might at well be Alex. Michael Guerin is many things, but he is not a coward or a liar if he can help it, not when it matters.

Also, it wouldn’t really be easier to be with Maria. She doesn’t know who he really is, and Alex is her best friend. It’s just a stupid way to make everything worse. They all deserve better. So he looks at her and says:

«I’m sorry Maria I can’t do this. Not to you, not to Alex, and not to myself.» 

And then he goes home.


End file.
